How can I get my mind to forget what it wants to remember? It's as if my mind doesn't believe the truth...doesn't accept the finality of it all. I feel as if I am being punished for trying to eradicate you from my memory and excommunicate you from my life. For every thought I have that doesn't involve you, two more crop up, nagging me that you existed...that you still exist. You may be dead to me--to my future--but I can't deny that my love for you is as alive as you are. It seems as if it has taken on a life of its own, one that will never die or flee me. And it haunts me, tortures me. And yet all the same, it comforts me.
This presence isn't the version of you that I wanted in my life, but it is the only version of you that I'll ever have, and I know I'll have it forever. I suppose I have to just get used to the idea. Attempting to convince my mind to rid itself of you is a futile task, I've found, and in all reality, it's probably something I really don't want to begin with. I'm convinced I'm no longer going out of my mind, but rather going back into it. "Error!" it says, whenever I try to make the memories disappear. Because my mind is smarter than I am, and it knows what my heart needs. It needs to believe that love, no matter what the circumstance, is forever.
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"You say that love is nonsense.... I tell you it is no such thing. For weeks and months it is a steady physical pain, an ache about the heart, never leaving one, by night or by day; a long strain on one's nerves like toothache or rheumatism, not intolerable at any one instant, but exhausting by its steady drain on the strength." Henry Brooks Adams
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