Last night my girlfriend and I had some pretty fantastic sex.
That's all I'll say about it, aside from the fact that after we were done, I was unable to locate the plastic bottle of lube that I was sure I placed next to the bed.
As it turns out, I did in fact place the bottle of petroleum-based 'Warm Lovin' on my nightstand. What I did NOT do, however, was anticipate that my dog Kulia would find the bottle and proceed to go to town on it as if it were a piece of rawhide or some other such toy.
This relentless mauling of said plastic bottle took place while I happily slept, dreaming of things like stares from jealous douchebags in public places, warm heaps of Turkish-made textiles, soft breezes on the Pacific coast, etc. I was completely oblivious to what was going into (and subsequently through) my dog's digestive system.
I'd say the bottle housed about 4 fluid ounces of slippery, hypo-allergenic solution that, I'm sure, had been engineered so as not to be toxic. This I deduce considering it's intended use as a 'personal lubricant'. Well, in the morning after I woke, when I found the shredded corpse of the once-usable bottle, it was completely empty, and there was hardly any actual lube on the floor near where it lay.
My dog had drank my lube.
"Jesus fucking Christ KULIA..." I began, not having made it yet out of my bedroom into the bathroom to begin my morning routine of personal hygiene.
As I did make a trip to the living room, still rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I noticed yet another nice little surprise.
The lube had made a VERY EXPEDIENT trip through my dog's GI tract, and onto my living room floor! There between my TV and sofa sat a 2 foot-wide puddle of whatever remnants Kulia had in her intestine mixed with her happy meal of sex juice. What a fantastic scene to behold first thing in the morning.
Kulia herself was dozing away peacefully on the couch, likely having dreams of her own involving toys of some sort.
So instead of make it into work on time with a cheery attitude and no reason to think the day would be unlike any other, I had to spend half an hour sopping up viscous dog diarrhea with a purple sponge and a bucket of Oxy Clean.
Moral of the story - when you're sure you've kept everything out of reach of your terrorizing pet, be sure you mind that errant bottle on your nightstand.
rating: 2
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