I soon find out the hard way that my buddy has a thing for her. It's not mutual, she's assured me of that, but I didn't really need another reason not to get involved with her anyway. I'm not sure why I care, but I do somehow, even if it isn't the sort of caring you'd expect to feel for someone. It's like a dull, low sort of pain?barely there, just enough so that you know it's there, but not quite enough that you actually take medicine.
I'd rather be focused on the goal, the end result. I have a dream, but unlike Dr. King's, mine is more subjectively based?I'm waiting on someone else, someone who loves me and who I love, but we can't be together yet. And at the same time I am focused on my goal, I'm trying to distract myself from it. This is where this new chick comes in. She's a fun enough distraction, she keeps me interested enough, I guess. At least until the next one comes along. I've gotta admit though, she holds my interest more than most. I'll probably keep her around a little longer?yeah?that's what I'll do.
My buddy is pushing back more than I expected him to; they all are. What a bunch of douchebags?I don't like this broad THAT much. Who the hell do they think they are? I'll show them she doesn't mean anything to me?fuck ?em for believing any different. I only love one person, and I don't want anyone believing I could even remotely like this girl. She's crazy anyway, and I don't care how much she likes me or how sweet and gorgeous she is. She likes me even though I push her away?what a fool. I do like our banter, though. She's got a fascinating way with words, and she seems to like what I have to say, and thinks I'm intelligent. Man, she's crazy for me?why? I don't get it. I mean, I have my fair share of girls chasing after me but she really digs me, man. Maybe that's the intrigue?trying to figure out why it is she likes me so much.
I find out in a letter one day, I find it in my bookbag while I'm in class. She left it there after spending the night with me. Says she loves me and knows I have feelings for her too, but that she can't do it anymore, knowing how much I love this other girl. She's not trying to chase after me, she's letting me go, tells me I need to experience things with her, give it a real shot. Says that she'll be there if shit doesn't pan out with the would-be love of my life. Tells me she'll love me forever, and sounds like she means it. I believe her. Damn. I didn't know she loved me. It kinda makes me realize that I actually like her, too. A lot more than I thought I did.
I keep hanging out with her, and she's weak for me so of course she gives into temptation and things don't change much, except for her demeanor. She's a little sadder, a little more crazy than usual. I get another letter, a favor she calls it. She asks me to not tempt her anymore, again says she can't handle it. I'm starting to see it all wear on her. She's anxious, just like I am, but for different reasons. As much as I want the time to move fast I feel like it's in beautiful slow motion with her, and I like it. I feel peaceful with her. Too peaceful. I have to rough this up somehow, hurt her now before it's too late. And it'll hurt me, too?but not as much as it would if I were to wait. I start hanging out with other girls, and it kills her and drives her nuts. I have to do what I have to do though, man. I can't let her think she's actually going to get what she really wants out of me. Not that she expects it. She expects this, she knows it's inevitable.
She tells me she's getting some cherry blossoms tattooed on her hip. I guess it's supposed to mean something. "They bloom in DC every year," she says, "and while they're in bloom, it's one of the most beautiful things you've ever seen. But it doesn't last long?only a few weeks. That's how I feel about us. We're the cherry blossoms, me and you; only my love for you will last forever." As forever and as permanent as an inked-needle etching a design onto her smooth peaches and cream flesh. "I don't want to stop loving you, ever," she stubbornly declares. And gets the words from a Bible verse tattooed on her hip next to the cherry blossom, but in another language: "Many waters cannot quench love, rivers cannot wash it away."
No one really knows when starting a relationship how it's going to go. But we do?ours is different that way, it's special that way. It starts off as a bud on a branch in March. As the Earth slowly tilts on its axis toward the sun, delicate petals of pink and white stretch out and relax into a beautiful flower. Many a passerby from near and far ooh and aah over its glorious beautiful splendor. But the winds of change come, and petal by petal, these beautiful flowers are blown away, leaving only a showering of petals and a memory, and a hope that someday they'll bloom again.
Maybe someday we'll bloom again, that's what she hopes. And she'll never stop hoping, and it breaks my heart.
rating: 6
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