For TallestTak - http://pulsehead.com/555/A%20CHALLENGEEEEEEEEEEEEEE%21%3F%21%3F
"Paradise"
We came back to our hometown in late September for a wedding. Normally, I would look for any excuse not to come back here. We had escaped many years ago and I returned as seldom as possible, lest this place get its grip on me again. Unfortunately, this was one of those events we could not get out of as these were Old High School friends that had never escaped this town's clutches.
After agonizing over it a bit, I decided to try to make the best of it. It had been so long since we had come back here together that I thought we could make a trip of it. We could come in a day or two early and get a little nostalgic. We could visit her family and mine. We could hook up with the remnants of the old gang and tear up the town. We could check out some of the places where we used to hang. We had been getting pretty stale as of late and I thought getting back in touch with who we used to be might just be the thing to revive us. Maybe somewhere in this pile of ash we could find the spark that once set our world on fire.
After the rehearsal dinner, we drove out to the state park that served as backdrop to so many events in our life. It was chilly for September but my car window was all of the way down so I could take it all in. The night was cool, quiet, and still. Whereas most parks will get a little louder at night when the humans have left and nature comes out to play, a hush fell on this place when the day wound down. That is why we always snuck in here after the park closed. The ranger had a lot of area to patrol and it would often take him an hour just to make one circuit. If you knew his route, you had plenty of time to sneak in and hide your car before the next pass.
We drove down a narrow, paved path. On the left the stately evergreens stood tall and true, silently judging the dancing Maples on the right, bending and swaying in the breeze. Ahead was the creek which was swollen and flowed slowly and offered a brilliant reflection of the moon and stars above. No animals moving, no branches snapping, no crickets chirping; Just a long collective sigh at the end of the day and the lullaby of the slowly moving water.
Ahead was the place where we decided to park to talk and enjoy the night but after a short time, the metaphorical sigh from outside was echoed in the reality of our car. I watched her as she watched the sky. Her cheek lay cradled in her hand, supported by her elbow resting on the car door. Her long, dark hair mostly concealed her face but I could still make out her dark eyes scanning the sky and the corner of her mouth that was unsure if it wanted to smile. A choice to not smile won out as her mouth instead let out another sigh. She reached out and turned down the radio. "I think we should go," she stated. I looked at her for a moment. "Come on," she said, "I'm getting cold."
"I can start the car and turn on the heat."
"No, we should go. I'm tired too and we have a long day tomorrow." My gaze fell from her to the dash as I turned the key in the ignition. Nothing. I tried it again. Nothing. I took a deep breath and slowly placed both hands on the steering wheel. This car had needed some work done for a long time now. But like so many things, I had kept putting it off. She was no doubt rolling her eyes at me in her head as she looked at me, thinking the same thing. I tried the ignition again with the same result. I feared that sitting here listening to the radio had killed the battery which meant that this was my fault. Another mistake in a long string of fuck ups.
I once again reached up and gripped the wheel with both hands as I lay my forehead to rest there with them. I took several deep breaths as I gripped the wheel in rising white knuckled fury, trying to defuse the fury's strength before it took hold. I felt her small, cold hand slowly do its best to cover mine. I turned my head slightly to look at her from the corner of my eye as she smiled her little smile. I have cataloged dozens of her smiles over the years, but it was this one that mattered most. There have been so many times when just this smile had saved my life.
I thought about the first time we kissed. We had never really dated. We had grown up in different towns and met through mutual friends and though I cannot recall when it happened, we just became one big group. We became close almost instantly, as if it were we who had spent our childhoods together. We eventually started to hang out together, just we two. The third time that we had done this took place on a bench not too far from where our car now sat. We had been "playing in the woods" as we always called it even though we were long past the age for play. We sat looking up at the clear full moon on a cloudless summer night. My gaze fell to her and her hair in the moonlight and it was like I had never seen her before. Like she was someone completely new. She felt my gaze and lowered hers to meet it. Before I could talk myself out of it, I gave into an overwhelming urge to kiss her. Trying to put into words the elation I felt in that moment would be utterly futile. After that brief moment of sweetness I pulled back, fearing her reaction. She simply reached out and took my hand and smiled that little smile and I knew that my life would forever be changed.
I recalled the night when I proposed to her. We had been together for a few years and now lived with one another. We sat on the same bench, gazing upon the same sky. She sat there oblivious as anxiety roiled beneath my surface. She had no idea that I was about to do this. I had never really come down on the side of marriage before in our conversations on the subject. We were still young and had a lot to accomplish and I wasn't sure if she were ready. I wasn't sure that she would even say yes but I was sure that I had to ask, and ask her now. As I got down on one knee and gave my little speech, I had scarcely a clue as to what I was actually saying. The anxiety had built to a roaring cacophony in my head that drowned out even my internal monologue. But it all ceased when she reached out and took my hand. She smiled that little smile and simply whispered "yes," and in that moment I became invincible.
I thought about the day many years later when I lost my job. I had conned my way into this great job so that she could not work and focus on finishing university. The job had seemed too good to be true and on this day, it proved that impression correct. I came home to find her curled up on the couch, surrounded by books. She was in her pj's with her hair up and her glasses slid down to the tip of her nose as her brow furrowed in concentration over the textbook in her hands. I loved to watch her like this and did so for a few moments before she registered my return. I walked slowly to the couch, trying to come up with a way to tell her what had happened. A way to tell her that I had just ruined the plan. A way to tell her that I was about to shatter our lives. I sat down beside her and she lunged at me, wrapping me in her warm embrace. In her arms, my failure twisted deep and I took her shoulders and slowly held her away from me. After only a moment's hesitation, the story came tumbling from my lips. After a time, I realized that I had stopped talking. I raised my head, ready to take the brunt of her anger full in the face. She simply reached out for my hand, smiled that little smile, and said "It will be okay."
I remembered the last night I drank. We struggled for awhile as I tried to find a new job. She started working and became increasingly stressed as she juggled work and school. I used what little money we had to start drinking. I had to get two jobs just to get us back to where we were before but eventually the sole purpose of one of those jobs was to pay for the alcohol. Weeks gave way to months gave way to years. I couldn't take it anymore. I had let her down too many times. I had let everyone down for that matter. I staggered beneath the weight of failed ambition, of unfulfilled promise, of all of the things that might have and were supposed to have been. I got up early in the morning for my first job, proceeded directly to the second job in the afternoon, and then straight to the bar at night. I would come home dangerous and drunk and defeated at 2:30 in the morning. I cursed the world. I blamed her and took it out on her as well and while she would never put up with my shit, she would not leave me either. Finally one night I staggered into the house, knocked over the lamp, shattering it , and passed out face first on the hardwood in front of the door. I lay there, vomiting, with the door standing wide open. I sobbed as I passed out in a pool of my own filth. A short time later I clawed my way back to consciousness to find her kneeling over me. She had rolled me over and cleaned up the mess I had made. I looked up at her, more heartbroken over failing her than any of the other millions ways I had failed the world. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be better for her. As if hearing my thoughts, she reached down and took my hands and smiled that little smile and in that moment, I knew I could be.
I thought about our life now. We had come so far. Things were a little stale but still good and moving towards better. In good times and in bad, I strained against my own limitations. I have always struggled to be so much more than I am. I have sought so many things, had so many dreams, pursued so many goals. In this moment, I realized that I needed nothing else. All of those things could never bring me peace. I had already found it. That smile was both the affirmation of my greatest joys and the support that pulled me from my deepest lows. It was both an inspiration and a gateway to our secret world. I had found my paradise in her smile and I knew that I would never need anything else. I knew that as long as she gave this smile to me, all was right in my world.
I turned my hand up to intertwine with hers. I gave it a squeeze and returned her smile with my own. I then got out to see if I could use a little of our love to will this car back to life.
rating: 16
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