It pains me to say that I didn't enjoy my stay in the park. I would now like to outline specifically why I found myself feeling negatively about my experience...
Freak snowstorm. White blindness. All supplies GONE. Not just missing, but completely GONE. No food. No clean water. No extra clothes. No tent. NO COMPASS. NO MAP. THE STORM COVERED THE SKY, SO NO STARS. NO WAY TO GET MY BEARINGS. I WAS STRANDED IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS FOR THREE WEEKS WITH NO SUPPLIES. I ALMOST HAD TO AMPUTATE MY OWN FOOT FOR FOOD, EVEN IF IT WAS TINTED WITH GANGRENE.
Oh, and bears. Your whole park is lousy with ravenous bears.
2. Did you find our staff helpful and knowledgeable of wilderness-related procedure? If so, briefly describe an experience in which you received help from Park Services.
I lit signal fires every day at noon. Helicopters routinely flew over the park, but somehow misinterpreted my signals EVERY SINGLE TIME. Rather than ever landing to investigate the source of the flames, THEY DUMPED CHEMICAL FLAME RETARDANTS ON ME. I now have hideous legions covering 40% of my body, my face now more closely resembles paella, and three of my fingers fused together.
To give you a further idea of the mango chutney your "rangers" have for brains, they handed me this survey upon landing the helicopter. They refuse to take me the hospital until they get customer service feedback. This is why I am intentionally bleeding all over this paper.
3. What would you suggest we do to improve the quality of the park? What could we have done to make your experience more enjoyable?
FILL ALL OF THE MOUNTAINS WITH DYNAMITE AND DESTROY THEM. PLANT THOUSANDS OF ACRES OF EDIBLE PLANTS. DESTROY EVERY SPECIES OF BITING/BLOOD SUCKING INSECT. SHOOT ALL CARNIVOROUS ANIMALS, ESPECIALLY THE BEARS. THEN SHOOT ALL THE FOREST RANGERS. PUT A PLASTIC DOME OVER THE PARK TO INHIBIT BLIZZARDS. PUT PHONE KIOSKS EVERY FOUR FEET AROUND THE PARK. CUT DOWN ALL THE TREES AND LEAVE THEM IN NEAT STACKS OF FIRE WOOD.
Aside from the aforementioned complaints and my 16--no, wait...27 near-death experiences, I found the park to be lovely. Thank you for your non-existent customer service during the peril of what was supposed to be the avoidance of my mid-life crisis.
rating: 7
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