Of all the types of facial hairstyles for men, the mustache is by far the most suspect. I mean, think about it. When is the last time you saw a guy with a mustache and thought, "Holy shit! What a fucking awesome mustache!" See? You have never thought that, ever. Mustaches are not stylish now, and haven't been stylish since 1984 when everybody was doing cocaine, putting enormous amounts of mousse in their hair, and listening to A Flock Of Seagulls.
As a contractor for the Department of Defense, I work and live with many members of military. Now, facial hair standards for the military are extremely strict. Men are not allowed to have facial hair that extends past the edges of their upper lip. This means that they either have no facial hair at all, or a mustache. AND the mustache must be kept neat. The problem with that is, MUSTACHES ARE NEVER NEAT! THEY ARE UGLY AND UNPROFESSIONAL AND MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A PEDERAST. I think the regulation should go like this:
"Facial hair is not authorized. This is to include (but not limited to) moustaches because they look retarded."
Seriously, that should be official DOD policy.
Now, in all fairness to the military, the uniform is the ONLY thing that negates the fact that the moustache has become synonymous with the term "pedophile." We have all seen To Catch a Predator, but just in case you don't agree, go to YouTube and watch some clips. Most of the guys caught on that show have a mustache. And its usually real bushy or it looks like they stuck their finger up their ass and wiped it under their nose.
Let's try a little mind-game. Close your eyes. Now say the word "Handsome." The image in your head would probably be of a clean-cut dude with absolutely no facial hair or a sweet beard. Now say the word "Molester" and the image of some guy that looks like Napoleon Dynamite's brother Kip pops up. And that guy's most noticeable feature, besides those dorky glasses, was his "molest-tache."
And that brings me to another thing: Why do guys still wear those glasses? They're just fucking stupid. But I digress?.
Another thing that pisses me off are guys that have mustaches but can't really grow them properly. You've seen these guys: They usually have caveman features and blond hair and their beard grows in really light and patchy. The bottom grows out so long its goes over the lip while the top remains lightly fuzzed. Come on. If you are going to grow something that makes you look like a complete chomp, at least see if you can properly do it. These douchebags not only grow a half-mustache, but its almost like they're proud of it, like a badge of douchiness or something. They walk around like "See my shitty mustache? Here's my shitty mustache! Man, I'm cool!"
Here is the official list of facial hairstyles and if they are acceptable or not:
1. Goatee- A true classic. Acceptable if you can actually grow one and you keep it neat. The only guys allowed to have really long and scraggly goatees are heavy metal guitarists (see Dimebag Darrell, Kerry King, Willie Adler). The most awesome goatee of all time is Gordon Liu's. He played Pai Mei in Kill Bill Vol. 2. Check it out, it rules. Some guys wear this weird thing where they have a skinny moustache up top and a triangle thing down below. This is okay, provided you fall into one of the following categories: Mexican drug dealer, Puerto Rican dance hall performer, one of those guys at the circus with the music box and the monkey, one of the King's Musketeers, an asshole hipster art dealer, or Satan.
2. Chin Fuzz- Acceptable. In fact preferred if you cannot grow a goatee that will connect with the upper lip hair. Lots of Baseball players sport this look so that makes it officially awesome (unless they play for the New York Yankees).
3. Soul Patch- Bam Margera rocked one of these for a minute. Then he realized only gay guys have soul patches. He immediately shaved it off. Some retards sport soul patches with little tiny mustaches. They are either French painters that wear berets everywhere, or dumbasses.
4. Fu Manchu- Acceptable if you are one of the following: A Biker, A Kung Fu expert, Eastern European military, A heavy metal fan or Danny Trejo (the big scary knife throwing guy from Desperado).
5. Full Beard- Nothing beats the full beard. Time tested and always cool, the full beard is by far the most prestigious and noteworthy of the facial hairstyles. This is also the preferred facial hairstyle of college History Professors and lumberjacks. It can be sported by just about anybody as long as they do it right. Great examples of awesome beards include ZZ Top, Grizzly Adams, every Green Beret in the US Army, This guy I know named Nate that dates my little sister, Tommy Chong, The drummer from Killswitch Engage, Chuck Norris and Jesus. In some countries, like Afghanistan, the length and overall awesomeness of your beard can actually be a sign of social class and respect. Worship the beard!
6. Stubble Beard- Caution. A lot of douchebags tend to sport this style, but their stubble beards are really what I like to call poser beards. You can tell a poser beard by the fact that they keep it perfectly trimmed at all times or they are clean shaven every 3-4 days. The stubble beard is only acceptable in the following situations: Attempting to grow a real beard, deer camp, or benders that last several days.
7. Mustache- Hitler had a mustache. Do you really want to associate yourself with that?
8. Pencil-thin Jaw Line Hair- Generally worn by white twenty-somethings that wish they were black, these so called "beards" are actually the biggest telltale sign of someone that is an honest to God douchebag. What the hell is wrong with the world when it's cool to not only sport these, but to literally put weeks of effort into making it perfect? It's not even half a beard. It's not even 1/4ths of a beard. It's a little line of hair that follows directly from your sideburns, along your jaw line, to your perfectly trimmed goatee. And here is the big catch of it: You can only have a perfect one for a DAY! After one day it grows too long to be considered neat and/or trendy. So you shave your cheeks and neck ever so carefully so as not to fuck it up, trim it, and when you're finished, it's still too sloppy so you shave it off. Never fails. Its retarded. I have never seen one that impressed me.
9. Mutton Chops- In the state of North Carolina, it is illegal to sport mutton chops unless you are in a rockabilly band or a time traveler from the 18th century. Really, it is! Look it up! I'm serious! (Note for the slow: I'm not really serious)
10. The Amish Beard- The Amish Beard is a full beard without the upper lip hair. While a very nice specimen of beard, in order to properly wear this you must also do the following: swear off electricity, never use telephones, never drive cars, never have pre-marital sex, raise barns to celebrate anything, never wear buttons, churn butter constantly, wear lots of black clothing even in hot summer months, name your children Ezekiel, Jacob and Zebadiah, sell corn on the side of the highway, and sport a straw hat at all times.
11. The Handlebar- The Handlebar is technically a mustache BUT if you can pull it off, you are a God among men.
12. Sideburns- There is much debate to these. Some people don't consider it facial hair while others still think its fine to make them in shapes of lighting bolts or other such crap. Here is the rule for sideburns: If it stops below the lowest point of your earlobe, it is too long. You must swab it with a q-tip dipped in gasoline, and the burn the excess hair off your face. Hell, if you have some rough stubble, you can strike the match on your face.
13. The Chinless Beard- A cousin of the Pencil-Thin Jaw Line Hair, these were cool for about 10 minutes back in 1997 when Darius Rucker of Hootie and the Blowfish sported one in a music video. It has since become a slap in the face to real men with real beards. People that sport this beard should be beaten.
Ok. We've gone over what is and is not acceptable for a man to sport on his face. I mean, facial hair is great when done properly. Look at all the great things facial hair does. It tickles the vagina during oral sex. It hides double chins. And it tells a statement of your manhood. Just make sure that statement isn't, "I'm a big tool bag with a mustache!"
And guys, if you can't grow decent facial hair, as is the case sometimes, that fine. No one will say you're a dick for being clean shaven. If anything, it tells everyone that you have major balls because you can walk around with razor burn in the winter and that is just fucking dandy. I can't grow a beard without it becoming patchy and stupid, so I don't grow one. I'll stick with a goatee, chin fuzz, or nothing at all, but you will NEVER catch me with a mustache, because mustaches are evil, ugly, and stupid. And if you wear a mustache and think you actually look good, well my friend, you are just so full of shit.
rating: 6
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