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Well, hello there! It's so wonderful that you could make it! You're the first to arrive, so please make yourself comfortable here in the lounge. We have some light hors d'oeuvres since dinner will be about another hour. Would you like a drink? No? Alright, but if you're thirsty, be sure to pipe up!

Since it appears as if Linda has all the cooking under control, perhaps we can sit for a moment to discuss something that's been bothering me quite a bit as of late. You see, I make a point of having company over as often as I can make time for, what with my being the head of the Ladies Social League and the Women's Tennis Club. From what I can tell, people are always delighted to come and dine with Gary and I. You enjoy spending the evening with us, don't you? This is the fourth time you've been over in the past two months, after all! Anyway, ever since that nasty incident with finding that?thing in our backyard, some ghastly rumors have been flying around.

Oh, you haven't heard? Well, I suppose someone would have whispered over your garden fence eventually. About four months ago, that dear lady down the street, Mrs. Timms, was walking her dog before heading to bed, just like any other night. However, when she passed our house, the dog suddenly stopped and began to run down our driveway. She said the hair on his neck was positively bristling as he yanked her farther down into our backyard. Since she's getting on in years and her Mr. Lockwood is a German Shepard, he had no trouble dragging her along, growling the entire way. When he finally stopped, she said he was nosing around a dark shape in the grass, only he had started whining instead of growling.

You'll have to forgive me, but the next part of her story is just so gruesome. She claims that Mr. Lockwood found a?mostly eaten dead body, right there on our lawn. Naturally, we have no idea where it came from or why on Earth something had been eating it. However, now people are spreading ludicrous stories about?Gary and I?being--it's positively awful, I can't even begin to tell you how many nights I've lain awake wondering why anyone would say such an awful thing. I suppose it has to do with jealousy of those of us who are better-off than most, which I can't do a thing about. It's really sad what people will do to cause a stir when things quiet down too much.

Enough with this morbid nonsense! Please, join me in the kitchen so you can catch a whiff of what we've prepared for you tonight! It's a new recipe that I've been dying to try! Why, thank you, it does smell heavenly, doesn't it? Here, why don't you have a taste?  

With that, Mrs. Hastings whacked her guest over the head with the lid of the pot, immediately rendering him unconscious. She chuckled to herself, wondering why she told such lies every time company came over. Picking him up by his armpits, she dragged his stunned form into the next room while pondering which recipe worked best with the potatoes simmering on the stove.