My name is Mathew Mayhem, with a Doctorate in Destruction and a Prescription for Pain, uh, for you [a trail off in thought goes here]
Anyway, back to my story!
The good that rotted from my situation, other than a rather voluptuous, kinky red headed wife, is my carrot top child. We're still working on a villainy name for him). Being a father hit me hard, at first, especially when a real doctor came and told me I couldn't handle the delivery. Over time, I was forced to get a real full-time job. I became the manager of McD's (to be fair, I am still killing you, with calories (also I sometimes pee in the drinks)). Still, my golden showers at the golden arches didn't satisfy my thirst for revenge. No, as my mentor said, the world is a mess, and I just have to rule it!
So I quit my job and spent time creating my most malevolent scheme ever! The hardest part was picking what dimension to channel the monster from, but my wife helped me. She was complaining about the bills one day, so I belted "What dimension are evil bitches from?!" and she answered "Why don't you ask your mom?!" before slapping me in the face. As the blood rushed to comfort my cheeks, I phoned my mom, who barked her answer to me. Thanks, mom.
I fired up the machine, setting sights on the ARF! Dimension. When I opened the portal, nothing happened. I peeked inside, and my son ran in! I reached for him, but he fell further into the dimension, chasing his toy Fire Truck.
They fell next to a lake, and before I could pick him he dipped the fire truck into the water. The two of us and the toy went back to our dimension. That was the only time the machine worked, and no monsters came through.
I sat in my chair, devastated, and looked at the giant world monitoring monitors around me. Suddenly, the door upstairs opened. I looked around for my son. He was gone! Then, a tremendously loud BOOM came from my monitors and I turned to see the most glorious image ever.
The world was in flames, people running in fear. It was my son's toy Fire Truck, transformed into a fire breathing anthropomorphic maniacal tool of devastation. Standing on his tire shoulder was my 5 year old son Carrot Top. The news was calling him Billy Blazer, Tot that made you Rot. The boy had a better name and catchphrase than me!
When he got home, the truck went back to a toy and he walked into my lab.
"Oh, son, you don't realize what you've done," I told him, amazed at the mayhem and destruction that had unfolded before me.
"What, daddy?"
"You're marching with elephants now."
It was time to rule the world.
rating: 4
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